Anna Grant

Update on Avon

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 17:05:47 GMT

Avon is still with Blake. That surprises me. I had expected him to break away from the others fairly early. He must have a reason for staying. Avon never does anything without a reason.

I've decided to look deeper into the Blake phenomenon. Maybe Avon sees something in Blake that I don't.

Anyway, current reports suggest the whole crew is alive, well and free. There is concern at high levels about Blake's growing popularity. News blackouts never work. People love to talk.

There would be a delicious irony in all this if Blake won because I let Avon get away. Not sure Servalan would be amused, though, and my beloved husband does so desperately want to keep her amused.

Orchids from Chesku

Mon, 07 May 2007 21:18:08 GMT

Chesku gave me orchids today. It was so like him to buy me something expensive and beautiful and to expect me to like them because they were expensive and beautiful. Avon once gave me a burnt out component he'd just extricated from one of his machines and he looked into my eyes and said, "You can keep that, if you like." A joke between lovers, a moment Lars Chesku would never understand. I have it still, though Avon probably believed I had thrown it away. I knew I would betray him. I kept it, perhaps, for conscience, maybe to remind myself I should have one. Or maybe it is what it seems, a token of lost love.

He is alive and he is free and I, stuck here with Chesku, often feel I am neither. It helps, to know he is out there, living for both of us the kind of life that may yet give him all he wanted. The hrdest thing is knowing I can never see him again. Even if I could find him, to meet him would be suicide. He would know there could be only one reason for my survival. Avon is no fool. I can remain a cherished, painful memory to him, or I can see him one last time as he kills me for what I did.

I never miss him more than when I am with Chesku. There is no wit in Chesku, no depth or subtlety. Chesku bores me, irritates me, drives me mad and Avon made me laugh and gave me a burnt piece of rubbish that I could keep. I still love him, and I shouldn't. He is beyond my reach forever and I helped to put him there. I let him go. I gave him one chance, which was all he needed. Avon is a clever man. I wish I had hidden a second chance somewhere for me.

Trouble with Chesku.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:43:38 GMT

Chesku's ambition is becoming a threat. I am trying to maintain a low profile and he is intent on social-climbing. He is besotted with Servalan and thinks I should be too. He constantly reminds me that her patronage could achieve a lot.

If she were a little less alert, I'd agree. Her vanity is certainly a potential lever. The trouble is, Servalan is not stupid. I don't want her to get too interested in what I might be up to.

I need Chesku for now, but will have to give serious thought to how I can get rid of him. I could easily arrange his execution on charges of treason, but I really don't need any more brushes with traitors. Far better if I can arrange an honourable removal of the problem, leaving myself as the grieving widow of a devoted servant of the Federation.

Blake's ship has not been reported for a while. If they had been captured or destroyed, I think I would have heard. I wonder what Avon is doing now. If I had met Avon at an earlier point in his plans, we could have been ruling the Federation now.

Cally?

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:20:43 GMT

Blake's crew appears to have acquired a woman called Cally. We have no surname for her and if, as is rumoured, she is an alien, perhaps Cally is the only name she has. Space Commander Travis captured her briefly (Servalan's anger was hysterically funny to me, but sent Chesku into a frenzy of flattery and assurances that she would get them all). The pictures taken on her capture show a human-looking woman.

I'm not sure what I think about the fact that she is attractive. It can hardly matter now what kind of woman Avon takes up with. There is no prospect of a renewal of our relationship. There should be absolute indifference. I still feel something, though, a glimmer of jealousy, a small regret that she got away. On a professional level, I wonder whether I did a good enough job that he will hesitate to find another lover. Does he still love me? Does he mourn me?

Servalan Plotting

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 16:02:25 GMT

That "loyal servant of the Federation," Servalan, has been going to a lot of trouble getting private access to major figures in the administration and has been consulting personal files she has no reason to consult. She is plotting, and there seems little doubt that she will make a bid for greater power as soon as the opportunity arises.

I have been doing consulting of my own, asking her underlings a few tactful questions. She is a dangerous woman, and I must be sure that I can use her ambitions against her if I need to.

One man who may be useful is a trooper called Hob. He's very serious and cautious, but he has seen a lot of men die and has no love for Servalan.

Chesku continues to flatter and fawn and will be a great success with Servalan. He wants us to name our first daughter Valeska in her honour. Does he seriously imagine that I mean to waste valuable time supplying him with children? Maybe one. Maybe I will call him Kerr or Del.

Servalan

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 17:24:13 GMT

We were at yet another dull reception when Servalan came over to me and said, "Sula, do come and walk with me. I am sure you are much more interesting than all these tedious bureaucrats."

I could hardly refuse, so I went with her down a long colonnade. At the far end she stopped and said, "I know you are Bartolomew."

"How would you know that?" I asked.

She smiled a slow, cold smile and said, "There is little that escapes my notice. After all, it falls to me to defend the Federation."

"To which I am no threat." I said.

She touched my arm to reassure me. "Oh, Sula! I never thought such a thing! You're a dedicated servant of the Federation, as am I. After all, you betrayed your lover without a qualm. At least, so I was told."

"I did my job." I said.

"And had others done theirs, there would have been no problem. As it is, we have Blake and your, what was his name?"

"Avon." I said.

Her eyes held mine for a moment, then she smiled, "Ah yes, that was a proud family name once. Now doubly dishonoured."

I remembered something Avon had said, that his brother had called him Avon, never Kerr, saying he was obsessed with the family and would always be more Avon than Kerr. I said nothing, but nodded.

Servalan went on, "Anyway, they are free and causing a lot of trouble. It is a great pity that not everyone is as committed as you are."

"They will be captured." I said.

She looked thoughtful and said, "Oh yes, they will. Blake's death will be particularly unpleasant. Tell me, Sula, are you enjoying your new life?"

"It suits me very well." I said.

"Chesku will go far."

"That is what he intends." I said.

She nodded. "Loyalty is always rewarded, Sula."

Dreams

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 16:55:48 GMT

Last night, I ended up dreaming of Avon. It was a vivid dream. I remembered how he laughed at the play we saw and how his eyes shone as he talked about our future, the one he would pay for with his fraud.

In my dream, he kissed me as Chesku never kisses and he said, "I will come back, Anna. I will find a way." And I wanted him to, in my dream, though if he returned in reality, he would know I had betrayed him. He would kill me.

I woke and went to Chesku's room. "Problem?" he asked.

"Bad dream." I said, though it really wasn't a bad one.

"I know what it is. You're missing your brother."

"Yes." I said.

He sat up. "Well, I have news to cheer you up. We're dining with the Supreme Commander tomorrow night."

"Let joy be unconfined." I said.

He smiled. "You could pretend to be pleased. You act as if it's nothing special, but I think you rather enjoy our status."

"I do. I'm just tired." I said, "There are certainly worse things than being at the side of a man with your connections." As I spoke, I thought of one of those worse things, being with a man who is friendless and hunted, who would kill me as soon as he knew what I had done.

"Sula," he said, "There is very little I won't be able to give you."

He was right. I could think of only one thing. For that, I have only my dreams.

Good News

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 14:58:07 GMT

Bray burst in today and said, "Anna ... Sula, you won't believe this! They escaped!"

"Who escaped?" I asked, assuming he was referring to some of the Foster followers he had been interrogating.

"Your friend, Avon." he said.

"How?" I asked, trying not to look excited.

"Teamed up with the other convicts. It gets worse. He escaped with a smuggler called Jenna Stannis and Roj Blake."

"I somehow can't imagine him and Blake getting on." I said.

"Well, we'll see." said Bray, "All kinds of rumours are going around. There are even hints of a powerful alien vessel they may have taken. Servalan is livid."

"Why does she care?"

"Do you know what Blake did last time he was free and unconditioned? He was a serious threat. Now he's probably got a good ship and he certainly has a first class pilot and a computer genius."

Bray left. I called up the files of Stannis and Blake. Stannis looked annoyingly attractive, but Bray was right, she is a good pilot. As for Blake, I don't think Avon will stay with him long.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 09:05:06 GMT

Marriage to Lars Chesku is not so terrible. He mostly wants an audience for his speeches and an ornament for his arm. I met the Supreme Commander the other day. She is quite beautiful and highly intelligent, but utterly corrupt. I know she comes from a long-respected family, but they seem to have passed on to her only a certainty of her own rights.

Chesku is besotted with her. He speaks of her inevitable rise to greater power, but the military can offer no greater power, and the Administration will never allow an officer to gain excessive power in their own ranks. The Administration uses the military, but wisely chooses not to trust it. I suspect my respectable husband may be involved in dangerous intrigues. Should this marriage ever become tiresome, I could always denounce him.

Avon will be well on his way to Cygnus Alpha by now. I suppose it's best not to think about that. I did check the files on the crew of the transport. There's a man named Raiker. He sounds like a vicious type. I refuse to think of this!

Sentence Commuted

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 20:17:51 GMT

Chesku kept his promise and I kept mine. I am now Sula Chesku and Avon was informed this morning that he is going to Cygnus Alpha and not for execution. He asked why. So like him to question even his own miraculous survival.

I authorised one last visit from his former teacher, Chevron, making sure he knew about the sentece being commuted. He slipped Avon something before he left. I suspect it was information about the transport ships or about Cygnus Alpha. I knew Chevron would help Avon if he could.

Now I have done all I can. Now I have to forget Avon. At least I can live with myself now. It's just a pity that I also have to live with Chesku, but he is a rising star and being at his side may take me to some interesting places. I have no love left for the Federation. Perhaps Del was right, and we should fight against it. Perhaps, from a position of power and influence, I can do something.

There was no elation on Avon's face, not even relief. I can't help remembering what he said about penal colonies. I hope he escapes before he loses his will to try.

Avon's Trial

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 14:09:44 GMT

As Avon was led from his cell to attend his trial, Restal called out, "Good luck!"

Avon turned back. "You too." he said.

Bray came into my office. "Still watching the endgame?" he said, "Admit it, this one got to you."

"It's a waste. He's as clever as he thinks he is. The Federation could use minds like his."

"The execution will be good for us too. He looks very patrician. The lower grades are always reassured to see an alpha meet the full force of the law. It hints at equality." Bray was grinning.

"Do you have to relish this so much?" I said.

"Forget the guilt. He decided to break the law. Anyway, you're marrying Chesku, aren't you? After a decent period of mourning, no doubt."

"Don't you ever feel a moment's regret?"

The grin grew wider. "Never. Cheer up! The Avon matter is out of your hands. Maybe he'll get acquitted. First time for everything."

He sat on the desk. "I'll stay and watch the trial. Haven't had a good laugh for ages."

We watched the preparation of evidence. The computer was intended to look like an impartial judge of facts, but we both knew that guilt or innocence were as much a matter of policy as of evidence. Avon stood unmoving. All trace of fear and uncertainty seemed to have vanished. I poked Bray's back and said, "Even you must admit he has courage."

"Yes, he'll make a good exit. The best performance of his life, unless, of course, you know different."

The Arbiter said, "Have you the accused been made aware of the charges that are laid against you? And do you fully understand the nature and gravity of those charges?"

Avon looked into his eyes and nodded. "Yes."

"Who speaks for the Federation?"

Morag said, "I do."

"Morag!" said Bray, "Baney would have been a kinder choice. At least she's a pretty face to look at before the end."

"Who speaks for the accused?" asked the Arbiter.

"I do." said Drenn.

"Drenn!" said Bray, "It gets better all the time!"

"Are you both satisfied that the evidence was fairly obtained?"

Avon barked out a brief laugh. Each of them said, "I am."

"Is the accused satisfied that his ... "

"If I say no, will it make a shred of difference?"

"It would be unwise to compound your crimes with contempt of court." warned the Arbiter.

"Oh, would it? What will you do? Kill me twice?"

"Your presence here is a privilege. It can be revoked."

"Anything can be revoked, can't it? Isn't that the whole point? Anything I have, you can take. You can torture or kill me. What you cannot do is make me perform."

"You are not helping yourself."

"Maybe not, but I came close." he said.

The Arbiter tried to regain control. He called for the evidence to be submitted. Avon clenched one hand briefly, but gave no other sign of fear. The evidence was dealt with quickly. The Arbiter smiled icily, "The accused has been found guilty on the charge of fraud. His crimes have been accorded a category seven rating. In sentencing you, the judgement machine has taken into account your past record, your service to the state, and your loyalty to the Federation. Though you have served the Federation in some small ways, none of these has mitigated in your favour. It is the sentence of this tribunal that you be taken from this place to an area of close confinement. From there you will be taken to a place of lawful execution, where you will pay for your crimes with the forfeiture of your life and your physical remains. This matter is ended."

"And that's it, is it?" he said.

"That's it." said the Arbiter.

Avon was led out. Bray turned to me. "Did he think he was going to change anything?"

"Only his own position."

"He's going to die."

"Oh yes," I said, hoping he wasn't, "But he takes his dignity with him."

"Alpha dignity!"

"Human dignity." I said.

I looked at his cellmate, Restal. I watched him for a while and was touched when he called a guard over to ask if there were any news of the trial. The guard nodded. "He's finished. Worry about yourself now."

Restal sat on his bunk. He bowed his head. "Poor Avon." he said.

After Bray had gone, I arranged a new cellmate for Vila, Olag Gan. Together, they might stand a chance of survival on Cygnus Alpha.

A Change for the Better

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 17:41:41 GMT

The delta grade thief, Vila Restal has had a good effect on Avon. He is relentlessly friendly and Avon has been finding it hard to conceal his amusement at his cellmate's wit. Avon no longer sits looking dull and hopeless. At times, his lips even curl in a smile.

Seeing Avon recovering slightly has given me an increased incentive to keep him alive. I have been very affectionate towards Chesku and today I asked him if he could influence the outcome of Avon's trial. He hated the idea, but when I told him that I only wanted the sentence commuted to life on Cygnus Alpha and that I would be able to marry him if I knew I had done that much for Avon, he agreed.

He will do what he can. He gave me his word. In return, I have to be his wife, so Avon and I will both pay for our crimes.

A Cellmate for Avon

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 06:57:43 GMT

I've been worried about Avon. I know how stupid it is to be concerned about the state of a man that I have already condemned to death, but I do. The worst part is that he has been trying so hard to keep up the appearance of a man untroubled by events. He has been waking before the lights come on and the piercing electronic tones force the other prisoners from their beds. Each morning, he dressed as immaculately as he could under the circumstances and then sat as if pondering some weighty concept, but he trembled a bit, and sometimes his hand would grip the blanket without him seeming to notice. Sometimes, he mouthed my name. Sometimes he looked around the room, and I knew what he was looking for, a way out, a way to end it.

I decided to ask Bray to have another prisoner with him for a while. I assumed, as one does, that another alpha grade would be the natural choice, or at worst a beta, but I had reckoned without Bray's grade envy. Born a beta and having failed to change that at the testing centre, he harbours a deep grudge against those who have without effort the privileges he has tried and failed to attain. He found a delta grade thief and put them together.

Avon barely glanced at the man. He looked around the new cell, satisfied himself that it was no less secure than the other and sat on the bed, head lowered.

His new cellmate sat on the bed opposite. "I'm Vila." he said brightly.

"Hello Vila." said Avon.

"I expect you have a name too." the thief suggested.

"Do names matter, here?" asked Avon.

"This is your first time, isn't it?" said Vila kindly, "It's always hardest the first time."

"First and last. They are going to kill me." I noticed that Avon had raised his head, not entirely unwilling to continue the conversation.

Vila was sympathetic. "That's bad. There's a chance of that for me, but I'm expecting a penal colony. Maybe Cygnus Alpha, where there's nothing left to steal. Look, names do matter. They belong to us. Tell me yours. It's not as if I'm going to gossip about you."

"Avon." said Avon.

"Avon? Kerr Avon?" Vila grinned, "We're in the same line of work, my friend!"

"Do I look like a thief?" said Avon, offended.

"No, you look like an alpha who has just found something rotten stuck to his shoe, but it's a poor thief who looks like a thief."

"It was not a theft, it was a fraud."

"Theft, fraud, I'm a simple man ..."

"I noticed that."

Vila smiled slightly at the interruption and went on, "But to me, if money belonging to someone else ends up with you by nefarious means, it's theft. Deltas steal, alphas embezzle, politicians tax. All synonyms really."

"Moral philosophy seems an unlikely pursuit for a delta grade thief."

"I'm not happy with the word pursuit. Funny they put us in together, isn't it?"

"Hilarious." said Avon, sounding distinctly unamused.

"Don't let it get to you. As long as you're still breathing, you're in with a chance. I mean, you probably have influential friends. Not like me. I'm going to have to hope I can escape."

"Hope is all deltas have, I suppose."

"No, we have a lot." said Vila.

"Clearly not enough for you."

"Theft is not a choice for me, it's a vocation."

"And look where you have ended up."

"And look who's with me."

"True." said Avon.

A door opened and closed down the corridor. Vila shuddered. "I hate the sound those doors make. I hate being shut in. Small spaces, large spaces, I'm happy with them all, but not when there's a locked door." He gave an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I don't want to make you feel worse. Look, you're a computer genius, right?"

"Right." said Avon.

"Are they really going to waste that valuable brain? They may just send you for retraining. That's nasty, but you survive."

"If you've been retrained, why are you here?"

"You see before you a hopeless case. They keep trying the same old brainwashing, I must have the cleanest brain on Earth now, but I see an opportunity and I steal, and all their good work is undone. It's tragic, really." he said, grinning.

"You seem very happy about it."

"I am. At least it means I'm not conquered. They can confine me, exile me or kill me, but they can't stop me being who I am, Vila Restal! It may not seem much to an alpha, but it gives me enough pride to keep going."

"If you heard about the fraud, did you happen to hear how they caught me?"

"An anomaly, they said. Further investigations gave you away."

"I think someone may have betrayed me."

"There's always that risk."

"Indeed."

"You look tired, Avon." said Vila.

"I find this place less than conducive to sleep."

"All silk sheets and soft pillows for you, I bet."

"Something like that."

"Why did you try to get more when you had all that?"

"Because I could." said Avon.

"You see! We're both craftsmen of our trade."

"And both doomed, one way or the other."

"You're cheerful, aren't you? Are you available for parties?"

"If you want entertainment, you should look elsewhere." said Avon.

Vila nodded. "Maybe I could ask the guard to move me to a cell where the occupants have a sense of humour."

"Perhaps you should."

"But he wouldn't listen if I did, so I'm stuck with you. It's because of that, not because I find you remotely likeable, that I have decided to like you."

"I see." said Avon. I was relieved to see that he was smiling faintly.

Tynus and Chevron

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 15:12:31 GMT

I was right to leave Tynus out of our investigations and Avon was right not to trust him. Bray told me today that, on hearing of Avon's arrest, Tynus reported his suspicions. He couldn't provide much detail, but he knew some of Avon's contacts and was eager to tell what he knew. I began to wonder if there had ever been anyone in Avon's life he could trust.

Maybe there is one. Chevron turned up today, an old professor of Avon's. He was anxious to see Avon, even though he must have known he was likely to be questioned himself because of it. When asked why he needed to see Avon, he said he was an old friend and wanted to help.

Bray asked if I wanted him interrogated. I said I saw no point. There is no evidence that he has been in recent contact with Avon. I asked Bray to let him see Avon.

Until Chevron entered the cell, Avon was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Chevron said, "It's me." and Avon got to his feet at once.

"Hello, sir." he said. I had never heard him so respectful.

"Is there anything I can do?" said Chevron.

"I would ask you to look after my mother, but I'm told she is dead."

Chevron nodded. Avon seemed grateful that he did not elaborate. Avon was unsteady, exhausted by his recent ordeals. Chevron reached out to steady him. Avon flinched from the contact. "What have they done to you?" said Chevron.

"It hardly matters now." said Avon, sitting on the bed, "They're going to kill me."

"For the first time in my life, I wish I had gone for politics or law. Then there might be some chance of getting you free."

"You haven't asked if I am guilty." said Avon.

"Would you ask me?"

Avon smiled weakly. "I wouldn't care whether you were or not."

"Neither do I." said Chevron. I was impressed. He knew his words would be monitored. He could do nothing for Avon now but offer him this unconditional friendship. He would do so even at the risk of his own freedom.

"Why, sir?" said Avon.

"Because I find it very hard to care about a pile of credits, however high the pile may be. I find it very easy to care about my best student. I heard about Anna. I'm sorry."

"Her brother hates me."

"Natural enough, I suppose." said Chevron.

"I suppose." said Avon.

"It wasn't your fault. She just got caught up in things."

"I should have given up the plan when I met her. I put her at risk."

"Don't give up now. She wouldn't want that." said Chevron.

"She came looking for me. She might have lived if she hadn't."

"Then she loved you. That must be some comfort to you."

"Comfort? Sir, I lie here thinking about what they did to her. I might as well have done it myself. I killed her. Why could I not leave one perfect thing outside all this? I should have protected her."

"You would have died for her, if you could." said Chevron.

"I wanted to give her everything. You and Anna were the only two people who never let me down. Now she's dead, and you're here showing friendship for a common criminal."

"A very uncommon criminal, actually."

"If I am convicted, which I will be, this will make you look suspicious."

Chevron smiled. "How this looks to people I wouldn't trust to tell me the right date is irrelevant to me. I was fairly disreputable to begin with. Over the years, I have decided respectability is not for me."

"It could be more serious than that." said Avon.

"Yes, I know, but for all your claims of being unconcerned about others, I know that you would visit me if I were here. Is there anything at all you want me to do?"

Avon shook his head. "There is nothing anyone can do."

Chevron went towards the door, then stopped and turned to say, "There's no such thing as a hopeless situation."

"How about execution?" said Avon.

"Don't give up."

After he had gone, Avon put his head in his hands and stayed very still for a long time.

Doubts and Dissent

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 07:15:53 GMT

Bray asked me today why I had told Chesku I was still alive. I suppose it was foolish not to realise that he would know about it.

"Am I under surveillance now?" I said.

"Everyone is under surveillance, Bartolomew. You know that. Chesku, but not Del. Interesting."

"Are you doubting my judgement?"

"Just wondering about your motives. It's not love. You couldn't love a man like Chesku."

"He's going to the top. Why shouldn't I go with him?"

"Planning for your retirement?" asked Bray.

"I deserve a little luxury."

Bray nodded. "You do. You bagged Avon for us. He's still refusing to implicate you. Still claims you were duped. He's very strong. Normal interrogation techniques don't work. I think we'll have to break him the way they broke Blake."

"Why? What information do we need from him?"

"We know he worked with others, we just don't know who. And I'd like to get Kullen."

"Let's save the expense. The information is not worth the cost of extracting it." I said.

"I thought, maybe if I told him about his mother ... but he just looked at me blankly."

"I asked you not to involve his mother. She knows nothing. Have you questioned her?"

"Stop jumping to conclusions. You said don't, so I didn't. She was told about her son's arrest and she threw herself from a gallery."

"She's dead?"

"From what you said about her mental state, it's probably a relief to all concerned. It would have been death on impact, if you're worried about her suffering. Couldn't bear the shame of a second treacherous son."

"Bray, how exactly was the news broken to her?"

"I wasn't there. I didn't hear."

"Did you care?"

He sighed. "You're going soft. Do you imagine this is the first time an innocent person has been destroyed by what we do? Blake's disposal required the destruction of three childhoods, three families. Can we afford the time to weep for them?"

"You were involved in that?"

"No, but I've done the same kind of thing and so have you. It's what we do. It's what we're trained to do. We do what must be done to protect the majority, to keep order. We could protect every mother, every father, every lover, but we'd have no control then, no security. There are prices we must pay."

"Except that we don't pay them, do we? You're a fool, Bray! We could have got so much more information from Avon if we could have offered him comfort and safety for his mother. I asked you to protect her and you allowed this to happen."

Bray became defensive. "He killed her, not me. He didn't have to turn criminal. He knew she was in a fragile state. He obviously didn't care."

"You don't know anything about him!" I said.

"Perhaps you knew him too well. You got too close."

"I am a professional."

"I know, and think what your profession is! You gain their trust, then hand them over for interrogation. It's a bit late now to develop ethical doubts."

"She never did anything to deserve death." I said.

"She reared two sons, both of whom committed crimes."

"One was guilty only of doubting the Federation."

"Doubt is the most dangerous crime of all. If dissent is not silenced, it grows, it spreads. No silent rebel saboteur is as lethal to the Federation as one honest man with doubts who talks. Imagine what a society would e like if the forces of order could be challenged on a whim! If dissent is tolerated, disobedience will follow. Before you know where you are, people are making their own decision and you have anarchy. We can't afford to be sentimental. In the face of threats to order, we have to be ruthless. Is it so terrible if a few innocent people are inconvenienced in order that the majority might be kept safe?"

I shrugged and walked away. Suddenly I am full of doubts myself. There is nothing I can do about them, though. Avon's mother should not have died. Then there are those children used to condemn Blake. What is the Federation, really? What is it that I am so dilligently serving at such great expense to others?

Del Visits

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:35:31 GMT

Avon was allowed a visitor today, an unusual indulgence to a man in his position. When I saw it was Del, I was troubled. I hoped he had the sense to know his every word would be monitored. When he entered the cell, Avon stood and touched his arm. "You know about Anna?"

"I know. Do you want to tell me why you did this?"

"What? The fraud?"

"Why did you involve her? Why did you run?"

"I love Anna! I loved her."

"So did I!" said Del. My heart ached to hear the pain in both their voices.

"Del, she wasn't involved."

"They think she was."

"How did she die?"

"She died because she loved you. What are your chances of getting out of here."

"Non-existent." said Avon.

"That's fortunate for you. You'd better hope it's true. If you ever walk ouit a free man, I'll be waiting to kill you, and my execution may be less humane than the one the Federation offers."

Avon sighed. "I don't care anymore, Grant. Whatever you may think, I did love her. Neither you nor me can hurt me now. Kill me now, if you like."

"I can wait. Next time we meet, I'll kill you. I told you, didn't I? I said I would avenge Anna. You let your brother stay unavenged. You never loved anyone but yourself." He turned and walked out.

For a moment, Avon swayed, as if about to collapse, then he looked at the camera, smiled and steadied himself. His eyes were strange. They seemed lifeless. Something in Avon seemed to have died. I didn't need to be strong for the cameras. I wept miserable, guilty tears.

Later, I went to see Chesku. I told him I had been permitted to change my identity and escape the disgrace of having been involved with Avon. He believed me. After all, I was still alive and free, so I must be innocent. I prepared the ground with flattery and a tender parting kiss. I know that he can help Avon. I know what the price will be. I am going to have to marry Lars Chesku.

Avon Arrested.

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 20:07:50 GMT

They have Avon at last! He was caught trying to use the exit visa he nrealy diedto obtain. When they brought him in, he was recovering from serious injuries. He refused to say where he had been and whether anyone had aided him.

I have seen the recordings of the first interrogation. He looked weak and pale. His words were slow, partly through weakness, but mostly because he was trying to find out what they knew. Bray said to him, "We questioned Anna Grant."

That was the first real sign of emotion. Avon's eyes opened wider and he said, "Anna had nothing to do with anything."

"Prove it. Tell us who was involved." said Bray.

Avon gave a half smile and said, "Alta Morag, Councillor Dane, Commanders Thann and Merran."

"Real names, Avon. You are a careful man, you would have made sure you knew more about them than they knew about you. You have their names. Who helped you?"

"Is it true that Anna is dead?" said Avon.

"Do you care?" asked Bray.

"Did you kill her?"

"You left her to take the consequences of your actions. She was not strong enough. She died under interrogation. It will be a pity if it turns out she was innocent."

Avon nodded. "She was. I acted alone."

"We know of a man named Kullen."

"Well then, you know more than I do."

"You will tell us the others."

"Will I? For Anna's life, perhaps, but you have nothing to bargain with. Nothing matters now."

"Not your life?" said Bray.

"Life?" he said. He did not speak again. Bray bullied, badgered and beat him, and he just sat there, looking at his hands.

I stopped watching. "He's not going to talk." I said.

Bray smiled, "He's a difficult one."

"Maybe we should recruit him." I said.

"Not a chance. Can you imagine him taking orders? No, the sooner he is put to death, the better. Isn't it wonderful? He's still trying to protect you. It must have been love!" He laughed and left.

It occurs to me that there is someone who could perhaps use his influence to get Avon's inevitable death sentence commuted. Chesku could do it, but why would he? I would have to offer a large incentive. I would also have to let him know I am still alive.

Where is Avon

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 19:44:38 GMT

There is still no sign of Avon, and none of those questioned know where he might have gone to ground. I was rather hurt that he didn't try to contact me after things went wrong, but it would make it easier to bear my betrayal of him if I could know for sure that he had planned to leave me behind.

Sadly, I can't. I know he was hurt. Is he now dead? If so, we should have found the body. Can he get offworld? I doubt it. He hasn't touched any of his accounts. He doesn't have much money with him, and freedom costs.

Out there, as Anna Grant, I had a measure of freedom, but here, my information comes through Bray and the others. I live my life with the power to make the lives of others difficult, but I can have no opinions that don't fit the image of Bartolomew. Those smirking, inscrutable puppeteers seem to be around far too much, and Shrinker and his kind sicken me. Hypocritical, perhaps. My hands are cleaner, but not my conscience.

I'm here, safe from reprisals and as much a prisoner as any of those we are holding. I am not considered a security risk. Bartolomew is known to be loyal. They are not trying to control me, but the status quo is protected at every level and we all live in the dull patterns of grey orthodoxy.

My dreams are my own, though, and I dream of Avon. Perhaps he did escape, a failure for Bartolomew, but Anna Grant would have been pleased.

Arrests

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 06:00:12 GMT

At the time appointed for Avon to come to me in the market, Bray came instead, with two troopers. Anna Grant?" he said clearly, letting everyone around me know.

I nodded. "I'm doing nothing wrong." I said, "Just waiting for a friend."

"Your friend isn't coming." he said, "Your friend is a thief and we need to ask you some questions."

As we started to walk off, Del ran over. "Anna, what's going on?"

I hadn't expected to see him again. I hugged him and said, "Del, they're taking me for questioning."

"But why? You've done nothing. It's not her you want! It's ..."

"Del!" I said, realising he was about to confess to something. "They already have Avon."

"Avon?" he said.

"Not yet," said Bray, "But we'll get him."

"Wait! What has he done, and how is my sister involved? This is insane!"

"If you see him, tell him I love him."

Bray barked a harsh laugh, "If you see him, tell us. It could save your sister a lot of discomfort."

"She's not involved. Whatever he has done, she knows nothing." said Del.

"What about you? Do you know anything?" said Bray.

"No!" I said, "My brother barely knew Avon."

Del glared at Bray, "If you hurt her, I'll kill you."

"Are you threatening me?" said Bray.

"Not at all. I'm making you a promise. Anna, I'll get you out. You'll be home soon. They have no right to do this."

I kissed his cheek. "Whatever happens, Del, I want yopu to know that I didn't want to hurt you."

"Anna, tell them what they want to know. If you don't, they'll get the information anyway and Avon would want you to stay alive."

"I love you and I love Avon. I love you both. Remember that."

Bray shoved me forward. "Come on! Time to go."

I heard Del shout after me, "Anna, I promise I will ..." then Bray shouted over him, "Move aside, idiot Deltas!"

I was taken to a cell. I sat on the bed and Bray sat in a chair opposite me. "Well?" I said.

"He was ready. Our man shot him, but he fired back and killed him. The signs are that he was badly injured. He's probably dying in some alleyway now."

"It might be better than what we have in store for him." I said.

"Did you fall a little bit in love with this one?"

"No." I said honestly, "No, I was not a little bit in love with him."

"We're still searching. We'll find him soon, dead or alive. Do you know where he would go?"

"I've told you before, he's a very private man."

"We've brought in those colleagjues of his on the list. I made that Tynus squirm for a while. He was very relieved when we didn't arrest him." Bray grinned, "I love this part, rounding up the traitors."

"A lot of his colleagues will be innocent."

"Sometimes, the innocent are more fun. All that indignation turning to fear."

"What about Kullen?" I asked.

"Long gone. He left two days ago with a free trader. We'll never catch him. We offered a reward, but you know what the free traders are like. They have their strange little codes of honour. I think we've lost him."

"I warned you to watch him."

"We were busy watching Avon."

"And failed to catch him too."

"We'll get him."

I looked around the stark cell. "So, Anna Grant ends here."

"Laying down her life for love. Nice."

"What about my brother?"

"Don't worry. He'll get some compensation. Go on, you can tell me. Did he know anything?"

"No." I said.

"Good. I get squeamish about arresting relatives of my colleagues."

"Will he be seen as the brother of a traitor?" I asked.

"No, of course not. We'll paint you as an innocent woman who foolishly decided to protect her lover when he turned out to be a criminal. A moment of madness in an otherwise respectable life."

"Who am I going to be now?"

"Sula Renca. Come on, we'll go and take a look at your file. She's a lucky girl, Sula. Could go far. You're being well-rewarded, Bartolomew."

I followed him, but my mind was on Avon. I hoped that Kullen had found a way to come back and help him, or that anyone had. I hoped he had one true friend in the world.

The Last Hours

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 11:30:27 GMT

Last night, Avon brought home some expensive bottles and we ate extravagant food by candlelight. "What is all this for?" I said.

He smiled. "A celebration. Tomorrow, we are rich."

"So soon?"

"Hardly soon. We have waited long enough. Everything is ready. Nothing can go wrong now." He gazed into the red wine in his glass. "Rubies, diamonds, sapphires, you can take your pick. No rules, no restrictions, no need to ask permission for anything."

"You're sure nothing can go wrong?"

"No-one knows. If they did, they would have moved before this."

"So we're leaving?"

"We'll meet tomorrow afternoon. I'll bring the visas. As we get onto the transport, all our wealth will be moved through the Federation banking system. Think of it, Anna! We will be free."

"Can freedom be bought?" I asked.

"Anything worth having can be bought!" he said. His bright eyes softened a little and he touched my hand, "Almost anything, anyway."

It took all my strength and all my training not to fall weeping to the ground and beg him to flee, telling him everything. Instead, I smiled and sparkled and let him lead me to bed for the last time. I played the devoted lover to perfection, and when he left my embraces to fill our glasses, I activated the signal beacon hidden beside the bed, telling Bray that the game was afoot.

He came back into the room and smiled at me. "You're very beautiful, Anna. I am going to enjoy giving you everything you ever desire."

"What if all I desire is you?" I said.

"I can give you that now too."

There was a silence between us. I felt all his barriers dissolving. I looked into his dark eyes and saw no guardedness. "Who are you?" I asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it a bit late to ask that?"

"Why do I never know what you're thinking, Avon?"

"I could never say it." he said, past tense, I noticed.

"Not even to me?"

"Especially not to you."

I smiled, touched by his trust and trying desperately not to think of the imminent betrayal. "I love you." I said, one truth amidst all the lies.

"When we met, I knew you were special." he said softly, "I never dared to hope that you were the person I had waited a lifetime to find, a true friend, faithful and honest."

"I love you." I said again, feeling my heart shatter, smiling sweetly as I saw the completeness of my victory over Avon and knew I had destroyed us both. Still the night continued, demanding that I continue to be all that he believed me to be. I knew I would never be able to erase a moment of that performance from my memory. I knew that Anna Grant would die with Avon. The rest is regret.

He struggled for a moment with words he was unnaccustomed to using, then he said, "I love you, Anna. I will always love you."

I changed the subject, afraid of shedding the tears that were building behind my eyes, "This man you're buying the exit visas from, do you trust him?" I knew from Bray that the man had readily agreed to betray Avon in exchange for certain considerations.

"Trust him? Of course I don't trust him." he said.

"Well then!"

"Trust is only dangerous when you have to rely on it." That was Avon. Cold, cynical, suspicious. Had he been a bit more like that, he would have seen that he could not trust me.

"That's very profound, my love." I said.

"As long as I know I can't trust him there's no problem." he said.

"Do you trust anyone? Do you trust me?" I had to ask, even though I knew rhe answer, and knew it would hurt to hear it.

"Oh, yes. I'm afraid I do." He gave me my glass.

I still wanted to save him. I would have killed Bray for him. There were few people I would not have killed to save him, perhaps only one, Del. That thought caused more pain. My old identity would be abandoned, and my brother would think I was dead. The two people who mean most to me and I knew then that I would lose both in a matter of days, hours, in Avon's case.

"Do you trust me?" asked Avon.

"I always have." I said.

He raised his glass to me. "And I thought nothing good would ever happen to me! Tongiht, I have everything."

"Tomorrow you'll be rich." I said.

"Yes, but that's just a way of keeping hold of what really matters."

"You don't need money to keep me." I said.

"I need money to keep you safe. The world is full of dangers and false friends. Only the very rich are safe. From tomorrow, we will be beyond the reach even of the President."

"It's a beautiful dream." I said.

He looked at the clock on the wall, "Reality in fourteen hours."

I kissed him, knowing his world and mine would fall apart in thirteen.

Blake

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 08:59:51 GMT

Blake has been charged with child molesting. The news shocked me, but it made a kind of sense that a man who had once undergone Federation conditioning might later suffer some kind of breakdown. When I mentioned it to Del and Avon though, they were sceptical. "How very convenient!" said Avon.

"You don't believe it?" I said.

"No, I don't." he said.

"There were stirrings again." said Del, "If there were a risk he could be used to unify rebellious elements. ... "

"Like you, for example?" I asked.

"Are you going to report me, Anna?"

"You know I'm not."

Avon looked sharply at Del and said, "Rebellion is a dangerous game, and the cost to your family would be high. You should consider carefully whether a meaningless gesture is worth that cost."

"I already have." said Del, "It's not." The two watched each other for a moment, then smiled.

"Blake could be guilty." I said.

"He could be," said Avon, "But he's not."

"How do you know?"

"Because a man who dreams of leading the rabble to freedom doesn't throw it all away to indulge a private perversion. This is a man who has endured great physical and mental trials, a man who has a reputation fior strength and vision. Broken, yes, but not corrupted. Believe me, the Federation are quite capable of making anyone renounce their friends, and many rebels would know something about that. They can forgive him that. The abuse of children is a different matter. Those who once followed him in blind faith would turn against him. No, tell me he has led young fools to die for freedom and I will believe you, but not molesting children. He is not that stupid."

"He's a good man." said Del.

"A good leader." said Avon.

"You know the Federation is corrupt, yet you choose to do nothing."

"Why should I do anything? What has mankind done for me that I should die trying to give freedom to those who would not be able to make proper use of it? People are as free as they choose to be."

"If they know that they have chains and have the strength and intelligence to break free, but not everyone has your advantages."

"True." said Avon.

"Don't you ever feel you should do more?"

"No, I don't. My brother was killed for having that feeling."

"If someone killed Anna, I would avenge her."

"So would I."

"But not your brother?"

For a moment, I thought they might both become angry, but they didn't. Instead, Avon smiled, filled Del's glass again and said, "I will drink with you to freedom and justice for all, and any other fantasy of your choosing."

Del grinned, "Cynicism is idealism that got scared."

"Fear of certain death is a useful thing to have."

"Death is never certain." said Del.

"I'll raise a glass to that." I said.

"I wonder what will happen to Blake." said Del.

"Death, or a penal colony, which is the same thing." said Avon, "I almost pity him, but he must have known they would dispose of him eventually."

"That he still fought says a lot for his courage."

"Courage is not the word I would choose." said Avon.

"At least on a penal colony, he would still be alive." I said.

"That would be best for the Federation," said Avon, "The appearance of mercy."

Later, he went to see the man who is supplying our exit visas. While he was gone, I went out and met Bray. We made arrangements for the arrests. I asked him if he knew whether Blake was guilty and he smiled. "If we say he's guilty, he's guilty."

"Yes, but is he really?"

"He's guilty of getting underfoot." he said, "Dev Tarrant did a lovely job."

"That odious creep?"

"He speaks highly of you." said Bray with a grin.

Contingency Plans

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 18:03:27 GMT

Last night, Avon was uneasy. Long after I had gone to bed, I heard him pacing in the next room. After a while, he came into our room and said, "Still awake?"

"As are you." I said.

He sat on the bed. "Kullen is getting nervous. He may decide to tell what he knows."

"Not if he thinks he has a chance to get away." I said.

"He's a greedy coward, Anna. It would not take much to make him betray us."

"Is there nothing we can do to prevent it?"

He smiled at me. "I'll find a way, Anna. I promise, I won't let you down." He gave me a metal disc. "If anything goes wrong, take that to Quartermaster Tanfon. He can get you off Earth. Tell him Garal sent you." His brother's name. I wondered what that meant.

"And leave without you?" I said.

"If I am alive, I will find you. This reduces the risk to you. Tanfon can get Del out too, if necessary. We must be careful now. We mustr be aware of even the smallest risk."

I watched his dark eyes, but saw there no sign of suspicion. Even as I made a mental note to add Tanfon to the list for collection, I twined my arms around Avon's neck and kissed him, feeling his shoulders relax and seeing a light come to life in his eyes.

Fine So Far

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 05:43:09 GMT

Everything is going according to plan, his plan and mine. Had Avon not been discovered in his plotting, the fraud would by now be near fruition. He really is brilliant. I often ask him about the new life he has planned for us, partly to seem properly excited, but mostly because it is a dream I would like to see come true. It won't, of course, but is it too much to ask that he and I should have a dream for a time?

Avon is so happy now. He has told me a lot about what he is doing and how he is doing it. He loves to talk about it, to have an audience that appreciates his cleverness. As success comes closer, he is in good spirits, even light-hearted. Del said to me yesterday thatr Avon seems as if a great burden has gone.

I am beginning to realise how much Avobn wants to be free. This is not about money, not even about proving his genius. This is about being rich enough to have complete autonomy. He is political after all, but only on a personal level. He wants freedom, not for the masses, but for himself. He wants the two of us to be able to do as we like and he knows that only the very rich can enjoy such freedom.

His plan is going well, but so is mine. On the day when he intends to complete the crime, he will be seized. At the same time, everyone with whom he has had contact will be taken for questioning. I love his smile, yet I will be the one to stop him smiling. I feel no satisfaction this time. I would do anything to give him a chance, but I can see no way to do that.

Kullen Again

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:43:39 GMT

I was looking for a copy of the works of Halma Murr when I heard someone say, "Psssst!" I turned, and someone vanished around a corner. I shrugged it off and returned to my browsing. "Pssst!" he said again. This time I turned to see Kullen. "It's me!" he said, "Kullen!"

"You shouldn't be here." I said.

"We have to talk. I need to get a message to Avon."

"What message?"

He took my arm and drew me out of the shop and behind a collection of planted containers. "Someone has been accessing his personal file. Someone is investigating him."

"How do you know?" I said, starting to panic.

"Something's going on. Somebody knows something."

"Avon would know." I said.

"Maybe he does. Where is he now?"

"At home."

"If he knew, he might get out and leave us to take the blame."

"He wouldn't do that. Look, say nothing to Avon. I'll get in touch with a contact of mine and find out what's going on. I'm sure it's some routine trawling of data."

"It's a serious risk, pretty one."

"So is calling me that, fat one."

"Do you trust Avon?" he asked.

"I'm more likely to betray you than he is." I said.

He smiled, "He's been a good friend, mostly."

"Then stop worrying, and don't contact either of us unless you have to."

"I just have to think of my survival, that's all."

"Leave worrying about that to me." I said, "If I have anything to do with it, your future prospects are certain." That was true, cruel, but true.

He smiled again his sickening smile and unctuated off, apparently reassured. I bought my Halwa Murr and went back to Avon, who was joking with Del as they worked on something together. I didn't ask about it, mainly because I was afraid they would explain it, at length, with diagrams. It felt odd, seeing them so relaxed together. Avon trusts Del because he is my brother, Del likes Avon because Avon loves me. They are developing a genuine friendship, and all because I lie so well. I can't decide whether it's a disaster or a good thing.

The List

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 05:40:11 GMT

On Avon's arrest, anyone with any conceivable connection to his fraud will be collected and interrogated. Kullen has been added to the list. He is deeply involved and may be able to give us a lot of names.

Avon's direct superior should have noticed something and didn't, which makes him suspect. There is a technician who works with him on some projects and she may know everything or nothing. The list grows all the time.

I am keeping three off the list. Avon's mother is mad and it's clear that he won't have confided in her. Tynus is stupid and vain and would probably long ago have boasted of his part in the crime to someone. He knows nothing. As for Del, I know he knows Avon only as the man in my life. They have become good friends, but Del is safe from any implications of involvement.

I warned Bray that Kullen has free trader contacts. As soon as we move against Avon, Kullen must be taken in. Speed is vital.

Yes, Bartolomew is working well. Meanwhile, Anna Grant is looking forward to an evening with her brother and her lover. I will look into Avon's eyes and I will lie and lie, but it won't all be untrue.